I did not want children
I did not want to stay home
I did not want to clean
and I CERTAINLY did not want to keep house, for a man, for a family, even for me.
I wanted a career
I wanted many lovers
I wanted to travel the world.
I wanted an idealistic and independent life.
Have I achieved any of the above, avoided any of the above? Have I succumbed to the the traditional role of a woman? Have I been forced into this by family/friends/society? Am I less of a woman, of a person for deciding I enjoy being a homemaker? Will I be considered by myself or others as less of a mother because I do not pander to and coddle both my children and my husband because I stay at home?
I have not chosen home and family over career intentionally. I still am driven and passionate and want to have a firm hold and step in my creative pursuits, be it craft, design or architecture, but it must play an equal role to that of raising my children and supporting my family. It also plays an equal role to keeping a nice home and taking pride in my surroundings and my community. I think it is important how all these things interplay with each other. Keeping connected in my personal pursuits help to make me happy which in turn should help me be a good mother, wife and lover. It should also help me integrate and help my community.
I am the product of parents who were products of post war Canada. White gloves, manners, tulle skirts, and women who did not work after getting married/having children. I am married to a man whose parents are products of the 1960's and the feminist movement.
Really I feel (for right or wrong) that I have grown up expected to be a great career woman, a great wife a great lover and a great mother. Not to mention that I feel the pressure of also keeping a good home, have a clean and tidy environment, be a great entertainer and be a fabulous cook.
But I enjoy some of these things but get angry at the same time. I am passionate about design and architecture and promoting space and creativity. But I love to cook. I love to bake. I actually get a lot of satisfaction from cleaning. I enjoy watching my son grow up. I love to entertain and look good (when possible), I want to work, I want to be creative, but I don't want to feel the pressure of having to be EXCELLENT at all of the above. Sometimes things have to give but the pressure to be good at everything is taking its toll and soon I fear I will be no good for any of it.
This, I think is the darker essence of this blog. How can I come to terms with how society has shaped me and break free of the mental constraints I feel put under and be happy in my own skin. Enjoying all of it, not regretting any of it and excelling when I can in what I want - mother, lover, designer.
I am not sure what I have said above, how useful it is or its purpose yet, but it may progress and develop and hopefully be a happy place to relate my adventures into being a modern homemaker and mom.
~A.
